A dispute had arisen between her and her co-worker about how best to present the most important part of their project to upper management.

Try Online Counseling: Get Personally MatchedД«ut for the first time ever, she had decided to exactly that. While she clearly understood the principle intellectually and gave verbal assent to it, she couldnвЂ™t seem to bring herself to do it. I proposed to her that with the exception of truly crucial circumstances, she might find room in her heart to вЂњset aside judgmentвЂќ and give ground on some of the smaller matters, and to do so frequently as a way of building a relationship of mutual respect and trust. I had once challenged Nellie about whether it was more important for her to be right than to be valued and appreciated and to have good relationships.

Her co-worker found Nellie not only too stubborn in her convictions but also prone to vindictive, hurtful behavior when she didnвЂ™t get her way. It bothered each of them that they couldnвЂ™t be closer, because each admired the other in many ways. Both were highly opinionated and would frequently clash because each believed they were right and couldnвЂ™t find room to compromise or at least to grant some credence to the otherвЂ™s point of view. вЂњNellieвЂќ told me she had been working intensively on a complicated project with one of her colleagues with whom relations had always been strained. But it wasnвЂ™t until she made the concerted effort to put some principles weвЂ™d talked about into active practice that she had that proverbial вЂњAha! momentвЂќ that changed everything. (For purposes of anonymity and confidentiality any potentially identifying facts and circumstances in this story have been altered.) Now, this woman whom IвЂ™ll call вЂњNellieвЂќ is a very intelligent, insightful sort generally, who fully understood at an вЂњintellectual levelвЂќ the things I discussed with her and was advising her to do to improve her social skills.

ThatвЂ™s always made it hard for her to build truly intimate relationships and alliances. She is one of those fairly conscientious types who always wants to get things вЂњright.вЂќ But if you were to ask her friends and associates, they might tell you she also tends to be so вЂњobsessive-compulsiveвЂќ about things - so exacting, demanding, detail oriented, and mission focused, that she seems to forget sheвЂ™s working with other human beings who have feelings. Recently I got an unusual email from a woman with whom IвЂ™d worked long ago on ways to improve her interpersonal skills.

Aha moment in psychology